How to not piss me off.

Wanna know what one of my biggest pet peeves is? Shitty drivers. I can't stand people who don't obey common courtesies on the freeway, and who just suck in general at driving. Driving home from work the other day, I think I screamed a variation of "What the dick/fuck?" about 6 times in my half-hour commute.

Some general tips:

• If you drive a semi, for the love of god just stay in the right lane. I'm sick of all that 'slowing down to 50 while one semi passes another' bullshit.
• If you see me hastily approaching in your rear view mirror, and then it looks like I'm about to drive into your trunk, that would be a good time to get over to the slow lane.
• If you're going to have a really stupid bumper sticker such as "My other ride is your mom", go back to your trailer park. And leave my mom alone!
• Your scion is not that badass. In fact, it's not badass at all.
• If you're driving a little car, I may attempt to drive over you.
• If you spot a police car 2 miles ahead, please don't slam on your brakes. Unless you're a super-deusch, you're probably not gonna get pulled over for going 80.
• Do not listen to your music at a level that interferes with me singing Reba at the top of my lungs.
• Learn how to fucking merge. If you wait until the last dotted line, I will definitely not let you in.
• If you want to go for a leisurely drive, please don't do it on the freeway during rush hour.

If you cannot obey these rules, then I suggest that you stay off I96 between the hours of 7:45 and 8:30 am, and 5:00-5:45 pm in order to avoid me ramming into your car.

Really Charter?

Charter has been calling me at least twice a week for the past month. Yes Charter, I cancelled my account. Sucks for you.

The other day, the man who called me took his job a little too seriously, I mean come on! No means no!

phone rings

Me: "huhllo."

Charty: "ello, my I please speak with Brianna Green?"

Me: "Who?"

Charty: "umm.... Briiiieeennnna green"

Me: "It's Brenna, dick."

Charty: "Oh, hello Ms. Green. I noticed that you recently cancelled your account with charter. Is that true?"

Me: "Sure is."

Charts: "Is there a reason why you cancelled this account?"

Me: "yep, I moved and I didn't want cable anymore. Plus I got netflix."

Charto: "Well, what if I told you that I would give you the same cable coverage for only $39.99?!?"

Me: "No thanks, I'm good."

Charty: "Ok, but what if I said that I would cut that cost down to $35.00?"

Me: "No seriously, I don't really want cable"

Charts: "Ok. Now, could I interest you in our internet service for only $29.99 a month?"

Me: "nah, I steal it. For free."

Charto: "Ok, one more thing. What about our phone service?"

Me: "Obvs I already have a cell phone."

Chartski: "But what if your cell phone service is down!?"

Me: "Then I'll send an email."

Chartard: "But what if there is an emergency and you need to contact your parents, and your phone and internet don't work?!?!?!"

Me: "Well, I guess I would be fucked."

Charter: "Exatly! And I do not want that to happen to you!!!"

...finally, I hang up on him.

I must thank you though, sir, for being so concerned about my safety and well being.

Let's get drunk and be somebody...

The weekend was a huge success. I decided that my family is extremely redneck and I love it.

I hopped on the 11:30 ferry to the island on Friday, and it was packed with fudgies, and a few people that I actually knew. I thought I was gonna look a little deuschy with a six pack in my hand at 11:30 AM, but I definitely wasn't the only one who needed something for the ride over. My uncle happened to be riding the same ferry, and he had a full cooler in which he let me stash my beer. Everywhere you looked people were throwing back beers. It was great. I forgot my bottle opener in the car so i had to open my bottles with my keys and i proceeded to tear up my knuckles so it kinda looks like I kicked some ass.

As soon as I got to the island, I headed down to see what the fam was up to. My dad, aunt, uncle, and I cruised around on the pontoon drinking as per usual. I got really sunburned thanks to my pasty ginger-skin, and I looked like a lobster.

I spent a better part of the weekend at the bar, which was pretty awesome, and a bit outta control. I didn't mean to break that glass, and I'm sure Jared didn't mean to break one either. Also, I got jalepeno guts in my eye and almost went blind. It was horrifying.

All in all, I had a great weekend with some great people, minus the jalepeno incident.