How to not piss me off.

Wanna know what one of my biggest pet peeves is? Shitty drivers. I can't stand people who don't obey common courtesies on the freeway, and who just suck in general at driving. Driving home from work the other day, I think I screamed a variation of "What the dick/fuck?" about 6 times in my half-hour commute.

Some general tips:

• If you drive a semi, for the love of god just stay in the right lane. I'm sick of all that 'slowing down to 50 while one semi passes another' bullshit.
• If you see me hastily approaching in your rear view mirror, and then it looks like I'm about to drive into your trunk, that would be a good time to get over to the slow lane.
• If you're going to have a really stupid bumper sticker such as "My other ride is your mom", go back to your trailer park. And leave my mom alone!
• Your scion is not that badass. In fact, it's not badass at all.
• If you're driving a little car, I may attempt to drive over you.
• If you spot a police car 2 miles ahead, please don't slam on your brakes. Unless you're a super-deusch, you're probably not gonna get pulled over for going 80.
• Do not listen to your music at a level that interferes with me singing Reba at the top of my lungs.
• Learn how to fucking merge. If you wait until the last dotted line, I will definitely not let you in.
• If you want to go for a leisurely drive, please don't do it on the freeway during rush hour.

If you cannot obey these rules, then I suggest that you stay off I96 between the hours of 7:45 and 8:30 am, and 5:00-5:45 pm in order to avoid me ramming into your car.

Really Charter?

Charter has been calling me at least twice a week for the past month. Yes Charter, I cancelled my account. Sucks for you.

The other day, the man who called me took his job a little too seriously, I mean come on! No means no!

phone rings

Me: "huhllo."

Charty: "ello, my I please speak with Brianna Green?"

Me: "Who?"

Charty: "umm.... Briiiieeennnna green"

Me: "It's Brenna, dick."

Charty: "Oh, hello Ms. Green. I noticed that you recently cancelled your account with charter. Is that true?"

Me: "Sure is."

Charts: "Is there a reason why you cancelled this account?"

Me: "yep, I moved and I didn't want cable anymore. Plus I got netflix."

Charto: "Well, what if I told you that I would give you the same cable coverage for only $39.99?!?"

Me: "No thanks, I'm good."

Charty: "Ok, but what if I said that I would cut that cost down to $35.00?"

Me: "No seriously, I don't really want cable"

Charts: "Ok. Now, could I interest you in our internet service for only $29.99 a month?"

Me: "nah, I steal it. For free."

Charto: "Ok, one more thing. What about our phone service?"

Me: "Obvs I already have a cell phone."

Chartski: "But what if your cell phone service is down!?"

Me: "Then I'll send an email."

Chartard: "But what if there is an emergency and you need to contact your parents, and your phone and internet don't work?!?!?!"

Me: "Well, I guess I would be fucked."

Charter: "Exatly! And I do not want that to happen to you!!!"

...finally, I hang up on him.

I must thank you though, sir, for being so concerned about my safety and well being.

Let's get drunk and be somebody...

The weekend was a huge success. I decided that my family is extremely redneck and I love it.

I hopped on the 11:30 ferry to the island on Friday, and it was packed with fudgies, and a few people that I actually knew. I thought I was gonna look a little deuschy with a six pack in my hand at 11:30 AM, but I definitely wasn't the only one who needed something for the ride over. My uncle happened to be riding the same ferry, and he had a full cooler in which he let me stash my beer. Everywhere you looked people were throwing back beers. It was great. I forgot my bottle opener in the car so i had to open my bottles with my keys and i proceeded to tear up my knuckles so it kinda looks like I kicked some ass.

As soon as I got to the island, I headed down to see what the fam was up to. My dad, aunt, uncle, and I cruised around on the pontoon drinking as per usual. I got really sunburned thanks to my pasty ginger-skin, and I looked like a lobster.

I spent a better part of the weekend at the bar, which was pretty awesome, and a bit outta control. I didn't mean to break that glass, and I'm sure Jared didn't mean to break one either. Also, I got jalepeno guts in my eye and almost went blind. It was horrifying.

All in all, I had a great weekend with some great people, minus the jalepeno incident.

Island Bound.

I'm headed to the island on the 11:30 boat. It's pretty much gonna be an epic weekend. I've got my spot on the beach all picked out and I've picked up some supplies to tide me over for the boat trip/weekend...



I'm pretty sure the baby keg will fit into my purse so I can sneak it into the bar with me. Sweet shit. My mom wasn't as impressed with it as I was though. Whatevs, she's totally gonna be hittin it up.



Can't wait to see what kind of crazy shenanigans happen over the weekend! Happy Memorial Day!!

Loons, G's, and Moccasins.

Well, I have decided that in order to save my sanity (and because I have already read every tfln, facebook status update, and cosmo article) I would start a blog to pass the time.

Ok, here's the deal. I don't really get the concept of blogging, so I think I'll just talk about myself for a hot second. Recently, I have improved my skills in napping sitting up. It was kind of on accident that I discovered this skill, but it comes in handy sometimes.

Today I had a weird drive to work. Everyone driving in my lane was going slow, like it was have your grandmother drive you to work day. This obnoxious maroon escort with a loon on the license plate pulled out right in front of me and almost made me curse aloud. The loon car decided it would be a fun thing to drive in the fast lane, the thing was though- it was going caterpillar speed. While trying to squeeze between this car and a ruh-tard semi, I spilled some water on my pants and had to go to work risking being called patty pee-pee pants. When I got to the light right before my work, it was red. There was a car in front of me that had a straight up G in it. I know what you're picturing, but this wasn't your typical G. This was a glasses wearing, mustache combing, vest rocking G with magical powers. I was staring in his back window, eyeing his every move, when all the sudden he puts his hand in the air. He snaps three times, and all of the sudden the light turns green. Thank you mysterious stop-light snapper man.

I will leave you with that, and this little tip that might make your life easier:

If you wear moccasins to the house of representatives council meeting, you may feel under-dressed.